I hate the world. It sucks. Guys are extremely retarded.
On to my next subject which I will be less brief about. I’m warning you now.
Tony, I’m still madly in love with him. I told him I wasn’t because I was trying to make it so that he could move on. The real reason I broke it off with him was because of the distance. Not being able to hug, hold, or talk to him was just finally too much for me.
I can’t even look at another guy w/o thinking of him and he’s the only guy I’ll ever love.
I don’t know why I’m still thinking about him like this. He’s already told me that he’ll never
Give me another chance because of how many times I’ve broken his heart.
But you know what, I don’t blame him. I am a heartless bitch without a soul at this point.
Truth is, he’s in my thoughts 24/7. And everytime I listen to the radio it reminds me of him. Especially when I hear that song that I was singing at least 7 times everyday for a month after he broke up with me.
That one just makes me wanna cry all over again. And considering how many times I actually do cry, that’s saying something. Especially since I just finished having a crying jag because I got that pain in my chest that I always get when I’m depressed over someone that I love.
I’m always going to be fucking up… forever. Since it’s the only thing I’m really good at, you know?
I’ve been listening to Taylor Swift (YES COUNTRY< Get over it!) to try and stay in a happy place and there’s only one song really that can always make me smile. It’s called “Our Song” and I can’t help but think that it’s delightfully sweet and romantic…
To top off all of this wondrous lousiness, my cousin JINKX had a total meltdown. Of course, she only managed not to hold it all in because she was drunk off of her ass. What’s funny is that her dad is the one who supplied the liquor. Mainly cuz he knew she needed to talk and her guard is ALWAYS up. Whatever works though, right? Besides, she decided to toss all of her razors and the one that she used to shave with is now melted beyond recognition.
Man. I wish I could go to Chicago… or at least that I could talk some sense into my Tony… dammit. I gotta stop doin’ that. He isn’t “my” tony anymore. Why can’t I get that through my thick head/heart?
You know, it’s a pity I can’t write this much for my new book that I’m writing. Normally writing on my books is a good distraction. It’s a pity that it isn’t working anymore. Which bites ass so majorly.
Especially since I have to have 1 short story, 6 poems, and at least 3 pieces of jewelry finished before august for the fair. Considering that that’s the only way I’ll get any cash and that cash is the only way I can get down to Chicago in the first place, this is a huge problem.
I wish I could tell him to his FACE how much I love him. But it doesn’t matter, he’d never believe me anyways... it doesn’t matter anymore, anyway, becuz he said he was done with all of this heartbreak. And I don’t blame him either. I’m sick of all this “Ross and Racheal” shit anyways. That’s what my sis refferred to it as. She’s right, too. Which bites. Cuz I loved “Friends”, it was the bomb. So why can’t I ever get over my lapse into stupidity long enough to skip out on paris and say “I love you” to him like She did to Him??????????????
Life’s still a bitch and it probably always will be……………………
What a rainy ending to a perfect day, right?
You know what the worst thing is? I never even told him how he’s the highlight of my day or how
He gets me through everything or that he’s always taking my breath away… I wish I’d told him that. I guess he’ll never know though………
You know. With the exception of Amor and my brother, I don’t think a guy will ever love me and be capable of being happy as well. Amor is my kitten by the way. He’s the only thing right now that’s getting me through my tears. He thinks I’m dinner and a play toy all at once. It’s so cute.
You know, I can’t even play my guitar or sing anymore? I start cryin’ everytime I try. It doesn’t help that I couldn’t play the guitar that well to begin with. But I was never this bad.
He is always tellin’ me how I can’t give up on my dreams because then I’ll be just like everyone else. But just how am I supposed to stick to my dream if everytime I try to follow through with it, I burst into tears that flow more steadily than the river downtown????
He’s the only one with enough of me to break my heart but he doesn’t even know that that’s what he did back in February… problem is, I don’t know that I ever stopped being heartbroken over him. I think that’s part of why I broke it off with him……… not a big part of it, but protecting myself from that heartache all over again is definitely part of it. Not that it worked any…
There’s this song that is describing me perfectly:
“Tied Together With A Smile” by Taylor Swift.
I suggest every person who reads this goes and finds either the song or the lyrics.
Well. I have to go try and pretend to sleep without having any nightmares or crying jags.
I’m sticking in one piece because everyone is around. And that’s it.
Crying and not telling a soul,
Alanda aka SwitchBlade
Posted by chicksintuxedos
at 1:42 PM EDT